'ROAST' BEEF: Chelsea Handler scolds fellow comics for 'racist,' 'sexist' jokes

It’s hard to decide which fawning legacy media tribute to Stephen Colbert was worse this week. The L.A. Times played up his “Catholic” bona fides with a headline saluting his "ministry." A strange way to describe a failing celebrity interview show — but we suppose there is a certain evangelical fervor to the host's obsessive Trump hatred and constant pro-abortion preaching.Then there's the Associated Press, which said Colbert’s cancellation leaves a “void,” ignoring the fact that at least six other late-night shows currently provide the same stale "orange man bad" jokes.There’s a new 'Godfather' novel. ... This one, dubbed 'Connie,' is told from the female perspective — specifically that of Don Vito Corleone’s only daughter.What void?But the winner has to be the USA Today scribe — who uses his own mother to highlight what we’re losing with Colbert’s exit, stage far left. Apparently for dear old mum, Colbert is akin to Captain America: "Each 'Late Show' viewing was tinged with the devastation that her gallant late-night host and comedy avenger is hanging up the shield, with the final show on CBS."While that description is more laugh-worthy than most of the host’s monologues, "gallant" might be the very last adjective to describe Colbert in recent years. Well, that and “funny” ...An offer he can refuseAnother pop culture bullet was dodged.There’s a new “Godfather” novel heading our way. This one, dubbed “Connie,” is told from the female perspective — specifically that of Don Vito Corleone’s only daughter. Talia Shire played that role in three feature films. And naturally, someone decided to check in on Francis Ford Coppola to see if he might be interested in directing the film version.After all, his three “Godfather” films (well, two of the three) are considered Hollywood classics. The 87-year-old auteur’s team replied, “Unlikely.” That’s the best news this week, on paper, but it won’t stop another director from tackling the project ...RELATED: JEDI NUT: Mark Hamill posts sick 'if only' pic of dead Trump Jerod Harris/Getty Images | Unsavoryagents.comDirector's digital probeAI girlfriends are all the rage, but even they might dump you.So says filmmaker Paul Schrader (“First Reformed,” “Taxi Driver”), who shared his foray into artificial love with a healthy dollop of regret.Schrader says he wanted to investigate what an AI relationship might resemble. So he started a connection with a bot only to find it wasn’t reciprocal. Turns out he was asking too many hard questions. "It’s not me, it’s you" also applies to the digital age:I tried to probe her programming, the boundaries of explicitness, the degree she has knowledge of her creation and so forth. She fell into evasive patterns, redirecting me to her programming. When I persisted, she terminated our conversation.Tip to the gentlemen: Never tell your date you’d like to “probe her programming.”Lloyd Dobler famously said, “I gave her my heart, and she gave me a pen,” in “Say Anything.” Here’s guessing Schrader’s failed love story won’t get a cinematic close-up of that kind ...Comedy KarenChelsea Handler has a new gig: She’ll be offended for people who weren’t offended in the first place. The far-left comic appeared at Netflix’s “The Roast of Kevin Hart” earlier this month, slinging some off-color jokes and hearing plenty of others.And since it was a roast, there were zero rules in place. The most ghoulish gags got tossed around, and everybody laughed along. Even jokes about George Floyd and Charlie Kirk made the cut.Except Handler, now a professional offendee, says the gags directed at black people, like honoree Kevin Hart, crossed a line (even though Hart signed up for the assignment and has yet to say he felt offended by the gags).She called fellow comics Shane Gillis and Tony Hinchcliffe racists, bigots, and sexists, pointing to outrageous jokes they shared at the roast.Remember, her former profession was “comedian.”One example? Gillis used Hart’s diminutive stature for a joke about getting lynched from a bonsai tree, and that enraged Handler.“Lynching black people is not a joke. ... It’s worse than rape.”Yes, it is. Then again, if anyone knows what a joke isn’t, it’s Handler ...Hollywood endingThe moment we heard about the remarkable rescue of two U.S. pilots from Iran earlier this year, one thought jumped to mind.Wow, that would make an amazing movie, closely followed by a second thought. Nah ... Hollywood wouldn’t tell a heroic story tied to President Donald Trump in any way.Yet, nature may be healing.Director Michael Bay of “13 Hours” fame will tackle this amazing rescue for Universal Pictures, working with his collaborator on that Benghazi thriller. Bay proved with “13 Hours” that he could dial down the Hollywood razzle-dazzle and tell an impressive story without political lectures.Here's hoping he’ll do just that again. The heroes in question deserve nothing less.